336

Sunday night.
I find myself lying in bed unable to sleep, again. So I try to rationalize why. That usually helps me to fall asleep. Some quick math. 14 days till I move to Asia. 336 hours. Im not good enough at math to do the minutes (and I don’t really want to). Lying in bed with this sly little smile on my lips. I realize that it is the same smile that comes to face right before I do my walk out into the ring for my fights.
There is sort of a progression before I fight. Leading up, say a week or two I don’t really worry about it. Then starting around weigh-ins I start to think, “Why the fuck am I about to do this.” I know I don’t have to. Maybe I can back out now. I know I won’t. But the thought keeps coming up. Why am I going to step in the ring, how can I get out of this, what the fuck is did I get myself into. The next day some of those thoughts are there but not as strong. I get quiet. I sit by myself, don’t talk much and don’t really want to. Then my hands are wrapped. Its too late to back out now. The fights start. I have to watch the first couple of fights. I like getting things out of the way early but I don’t want to be first.
And then it happens. Right before I am supposed to walk out. Everything is ok. I become calm. More than calm, a little smile creeps up on me. I am not scared anymore just excited, little kid excited. I hear my name I walk out nice and calm, slow, enjoy the crowd, everything.
Right now lying in bed, thinking about why I cant sleep. That same smile comes over me. I know sometime in the next couple of days I am going to be scared again. Worried about the upcoming trip. Wondering why the hell I am moving to China. To teach English of all things, shit I barely speak English. An old saying comes to mind, those who cant do teach and those who cant teach, teach gym. After I think about what I am about to do, about being scared to move and leave everything I know behind, all my friends thousands of miles away. Everything that makes me comfortable out of reach. I realize I am lying here with that sly little smile pursing my lips. Everything is right on track, just where it should be.

PS; Little side note. I went to this benefit for the LA Free Clinic. There was a tarot card reader. She encouraged me to write. Never really have typed or written anything like this before. Feels kinda good to get it out. Helps get my thoughts together. We will see what the future brings, maybe there will be more late night entries. 335 hours.